woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
