Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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