How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize