did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
