We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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