You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
