I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
