she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
