Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
