New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
