I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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