He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
ttyl tear gas
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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