Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Found the puke drawer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
