Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
