i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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