I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize