Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
