Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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