My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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