Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
