I want to have your abortion
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
