Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
