Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
