Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
