my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
