i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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