walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
