Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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