Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
