ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
