Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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