Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
