you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
