I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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