im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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