According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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