Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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