he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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