And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
