Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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