capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
