capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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