i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
