I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
