I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
