I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
