you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize