I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
