if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
