my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
