a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
