If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
