I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
