if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize