we have pet lesbian snakes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this boner is exhausting
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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