Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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