my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize