Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
