I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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