I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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