just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
